also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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