You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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