The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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