just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
