I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
