Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
