glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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