Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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