dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
