You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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