we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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