I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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