I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
