Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
