dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
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So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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