Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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