I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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