if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
