Jerry, you need to find god
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
