Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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