we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
