i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
