the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
