I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
