there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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