every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
