I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
