I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse