This is not my ceiling
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21