Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
