A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
