I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This is my gift to your gina
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
