Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
