i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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