I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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