Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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