i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
