Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
