sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
