he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
