I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
