either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
