last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
