I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
