i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
