Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
You just made me feel so damn special
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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