you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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