sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I need to calm my uterus...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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