What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
