I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
