my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
