They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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