well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
