Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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