until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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