On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
