Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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