My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
